Sometimes when I have writer’s block, I pull up a list of inspiring writing prompts online. Normally this helps me clear my head and allows me to pull from the more creative side of myself and come up with different content that I think people will enjoy. Tonight I came across a specific prompt that really stuck with me and I realized that I had a substantial reaction to it: “What keeps you up at night?”
While I have enjoyed what I write on this blog and I hope that I have inspired creativity in others who have read what I’ve written, sometimes I feel that it is not a very personal representation of me. Sure everything on here are things that I enjoy to do, read, watch, etc., but I have not been as emotionally deep on here as I feel I should be. Therefore I decided to answer this prompt directly and personally. So, what keeps me up at night?
My entire life has been revolved around planning. Making plans for the weekend, for the afternoon, for lunch, for the next five years. Utilizing calendars and planners and color-coding the heck out of my life. I always want to be prepared for whatever is coming next, before I even know what that is. I feel this need to be Miss Always Prepared, and a lot of the time I feel that this gives me a lot of stability in my life.
What keeps me up at night are the “What if…” thoughts. What if I’m not on track to complete a project by the deadline? What if I’m not ready for the next step in my life? What if I don’t have enough money saved to get all of the Christmas presents I have already planned to buy for people next year? What if I’m a failure?
There are countless nights that I have been in bed staring at the ceiling racking my brain, going down countless mental checklists and itineraries and to-do lists. But those aren’t as bad as the nights that I wake up in a cold sweat, suddenly realizing that I might have misplaced something that I need the next morning or that I might have forgotten to complete an assignment that’s due in only a few hours. Or the days I’m watching TV while not actually watching whatever’s on because I’m trying to make sure I have back-up plans for all of my back-up plans.
This tendency of mine to always strive to feel in control of everything and anything that could happen weighs heavily on me, and while sometimes it causes stress, other times it causes exhaustion. So many times I have come back from work, thought of everything I have to get done in the coming weeks, and have laid down and fallen asleep from both physical and mental exhaustion. And those “one hour naps” turn into six hours, and I wake up panicking and cranky at the time I have now lost sleeping when I could have been more productive.
I am so grateful for all of the opportunities that I have been given, and I am so proud of everything I have accomplished. I am so excited for the life ahead of me, and to achieve the goals I have set for myself. So many people look at everything I am involved in and tell me, “Wow, you must really have your shit together.” The reality is this. I have breaking points. I take on a lot, and everything always gets done on time and to the best of my ability and I love every step of the way, but this comes with its challenges. I come with challenges. And I am so grateful for the people in my life right now that help and support me. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, to take a break and escape their lives and responsibilities for a while. Hold yourself to a standard, but make sure your expectations for yourself are realistic. I have found that this has been my biggest barrier: that my expectations for myself and my future put so much pressure on me now, that my life is going by and I feel like I barely have time to enjoy it. Take time for you, for your friends and family and the things that you love to do. Give yourself more credit. Celebrate your successes, and grow from your challenges.